He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day




She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits




As nervous as a turkey at Christmas




She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo




She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel




She's as fit as a butchers dog




She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag




As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse




His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender




Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.




As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks




As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner




This guy is all foam, no beer.




As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.




About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.




A legend in his own mind...




He's an expert on padded cells.




He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!