Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!
Who was the Black Prince?
The son of Old King Cole!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in!
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!
Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!
What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!
How do Welsh people eat cheese?
Caerphilly!
Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!
What is posthumous work?
Something written by someone after they are dead!
What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!
What is the strongest bird?
A crane!
What is the smelliest city in America?
Phew York!
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking!
Who was the best actor in the bible?
Samson, he brought the house down!
What cake wanted to rule the world?
Atilla the Bun!
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe!
Do you have any invisible ink?
Certainly sir. What colour?
How is business going?
I'm looking for a new cashier
But you only had a new one last week
Yes, that's the one I'm looking for!
Where do hamsters come?
Hampsterdam!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole?
A penguin!
Why is the time in the USA behind that of England?
Because England was discovered before the USA!
What's the nearest thing to silver?
The Lone Ranger's bottom!
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!
What sort of animal is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!
What does "Minimum" mean?
A very small mother!
What is an archaeologist?
Someone who's career is in ruins!
What is hail?
Hard boiled rain!
Why are astronauts successful people?
Because they always go up in the world!
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!
Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?
He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard!
What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
Then why aren't you laughing!
What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?
Jaws Washington!
Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?
Because they run over sleepers!
Why do you keep doing the backstroke?
I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?
She was maid in France!
Who invented underground tunnels?
A mole!
Why did the clock get sick?
It was run down!
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!
What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!
Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"
"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"
Why are you covered in bruises?
I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind!
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!
What button won't you find in a tailors shop?
Belly button!
Why didn't the banana snore?
Because it didn't want to wake up the rest of the bunch!
What do you call a man with cow droppings all over his feet?
An incowpoop!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers!
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
He wanted to find Pluto!
What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution!
A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that?
The crack of dawn!
It's gone forever - forever I tell you!
What has?
Yesterday!
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A jelly copter!
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!
What's the name for a short legged tramp?
A low down bum!
Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains!
What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
About 3000 miles!
